dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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