Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
