He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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