I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
