No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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