You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
