dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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