I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
