the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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