i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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