the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
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They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
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FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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