I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
