I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
