Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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