What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
