You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
