Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
