i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
