Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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