i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
