just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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