Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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