I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
