just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
