oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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