I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
