Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
