Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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