this beer tastes like vomit already
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
