overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
