3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
