period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
