can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
