your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
