You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
