the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
