So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
