Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
And then he peed in my hair
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