I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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