I want to walk on stilts...naked
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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