I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
