i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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