K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
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I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
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I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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