I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
