Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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