I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
