I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
