I'm gonna have a badass scar
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
