who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
