so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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