You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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