I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
