She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
