This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
