Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
