The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
