I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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