Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
what is it with giant penises always finding me
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I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
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She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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