Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
