Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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