i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
