something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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