Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
